MY CATS CAN TALK | FICTION

Tuesday, January 28th 2020 (Morning call.)

“Just let me know when it’s all over, Mommy,” said Tiberius. His back was turned to us, and I could see the huff all over him.

Oh boy.

“Uhhm… you know that’s in – like – three days, Tiberius? Maybe even four?” I say, to the backside of his ears.

“Just keep the fire on, and everything will – be – fine,”  he says, in that very particular tone of exasperated finality. He’s done talking – to both of us.

___

There is a pause, as Daddy and I just stare at the back of his head. But it’s over. The “Tiberius” has made his declaration. He has scowled. He has miffed. And now, we’re both shut out.

Oh well.

Daddy and I look at each other and tilt our eyes back at the same time, both of us trying not to escape too much of a giggle. Tiberius is being very serious, but we think it’s hilarious. We wouldn’t laugh half as often if it weren’t for all three of our cats. They say the wildest things, as you know.

But today, Tiberius gets a bit of a pass.

Daddy is leaving for a number of days, and it’s serious. I cannot be left alone, even for a couple of hours. If a scowl from Tiberius is all we’re going to get, and a final huff and a back turned on us is the end of it… then we got off pretty darn clean.

Then again, I have yet to see what Tas and Lila will throw up. They aren’t happy he’s leaving either.

I’d say the rest of the team is taking it a lot better.

___

They are on lockdown, the team. This always happens when I’m about to be separated from my link. My husband, as you know, is my link to the outside world… an ancient bond that queens and kings used to put on ill-favored servants who screwed up to talk to people far, far away, like a telephone.

Well, my husband didn’t mess up. My uncle did. Or at least, that’s the way I felt about it when he first put the link on my husband. But I guess it had to be done. Thankfully links have been updated, we’ve learned, since I last talked to you, and things have been a bit easier. Less beatings and all that jazz.

Anyhow.

I lift my heel up and place it on Daddy’s knee and he pats it. I take one last look at the back of Tiberius’ ears, and lean back. I am in front of the fire, as I always am, during the winter months. The pain hasn’t been as bad this morning.

As I look into the fire, blazing away, Tasmanian comes to join me. I start to pet him. I guess it’s time…

“What else do I need to do for The Order?” I ask.

___

“Well, Crowder is doing better, ” Wolf replies.

“Oh, really?” I sit up. Steven Crowder nearly turned into a vampire on “The Boyz” last mission in Germany. We’ve spent at least the last month tracking down the ingredients to make a healing potion for him, and it’s been one hell of a fight. Last night we finally spanked Pewdiepie, got the last of the lightning bolt out of him, mixed it into the blood iron cauldron and fed it to Crowder.

It was just in time. Crowder was starting to fly.

“Oh!” cried Stephan, when he heard about the flying Crowder. “Well in that case— ”

Ohhhh nooo…. What is it going to be this time? I thought.

“In that case you’ll also need a triceratops egg.”

“Lord! Lord! Can I just make it!? Can I just make it!? At this point!? PUH-LEESE?” I begged.

Nod.

“Oh thank God.” I said. Literally. And snapped my fingers. And boom. Just like that, it was the last day I heard a report on it. (What did you expect!? I had too much else to do.)

But now, apparently, it had done the trick. We finally, finally!!!! gave Steven Crowder a healing potion.

“Yes!” Wolf cries, “Yes – well – at least – he’s rolling around on the ground now…” Oh… GOOD!  It’s about damn time! 

“Boyz?” I call.

They look up, through my link, dazed. I can already tell exactly what they’re thinking, through him: their terror. They may not like Crowder… but… but he’s rolling on the ground. Inside, I get it. Inside, I’m saying, I know, I know – I’ll get you there! Don’t worry!!! But I need to get their full attention first.

“Boyz? Are you with me?” Slowly they nod. “Boyz!” And now I have their full attention. I look straight at them, in their eyes, and I speak clearly:

“You did it. You saved Crowder. This is what it looks like. It’s just the vampire, leaving him. This is good. You hear me? Good.”

Their eyes shift as one, down to the ground, on the left, hard. They’re all suddenly looking at Crowder, faces like giant alien saucers. But this time, it’s with the full knowledge of what’s actually happening.

And there it is. They get it.

I try not too laugh. So does my husband. It was a pretty funny hard look left… but they haven’t seen all that we have yet. We sound like parents, laughing at a gaggle of young bucks, just learning how to walk. It’s like, “Oh man – if they’re scared of that, wait till they see this!!!” But we know they’ve come a long way.

Six months ago, a beaver scared them. Now it takes the bite of a vampire. I’d say that’s a pretty giant growth spurt, wouldn’t you? But it still makes me smile.

I lay back.

“Next!”

___

“Well — let’s see here — Hart finished killing all the larvae…” Wolf starts up  –

But before he – nor I – can get another word in, Claire Danes cuts across the link, “Oh! You want me to send a fresh batch?”

Oh – M – Gee. These are the moments I don’t laugh.

No, Claire! I’m trying to make this mission easier! Please do not send anymore mutant larvae my team’s way, thank you.”

“Oh, okay.”

She still doesn’t get it. My mind automatically wonders if she ever will, but it happens so often now, that’s its speed is like a streak of light across the sky. I sigh and glance at the clock, like I do so often everyday.

There’s still two more hours until Daddy has to leave to Victoria, Canada, for five days, apart from my team. Which reminds me. I published research on Queen Victoria there that my husband still has not seen. I live a whole different life online. The two worlds rarely meet.

Maybe it’s better that way.

Okay. Back to Kevin Hart, and his mutant killer larvae. (Hey. He just might be saving the world today. I’m sure appreciative – of everything they all do, Crowder included!)

See you next time!

End the morning of Tuesday, January 28th 2020.

___
From the A Prophet’s Journal series, by Book of Katherine. Look for it as a series in Australia! In the meantime, enjoy a sneak preview from the first book, here!

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